In A Self Storage Space

338 3rd Ave Brooklyn, NY 11215

Having a place where you can not only store your stuff but also your extra emotional baggage is essential!! After years of not having my own cry space, I finally took the plunge and rented a unit for myself and I’m happy to report that I have never cried more!!! The spaces are climate controlled so they’re very comfortable to cry in no matter what the season AND it’s easy on the wallet - units start at only 29 dollars a month! WHAT A STEAL!! I went with the 5x5 size, but you should choose what feels right for your tears. Treat yourself to this big crying luxury…. you will NOT be disappointed!!!

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Penn Station

New York, NY 10001

Well, duh.

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IKEA

1 Beard Street Brooklyn, NY 11231 

I had heard tales of this magical place down in Red Hook. My friends kept telling me how big it was, how many nooks it had.   After months and months of fantasizing about this cry,  I finally decided to give it a shot.

I’m sorry to say it was a terrible mistake.  

It takes approximately 5 hours to find the exit after you enter this place. “5 hours? That’s nothing! I once cried for 4 days straight!” I told myself. Oh, hindsight is 20/20.  Not only does it take 5 hours to find an exit, but the place is 1000% swamped with people. It was a terrible, anxious cry from the start. No thank you!!!! They also sell salmon at their cafeteria which really exasperated my cry because why are we selling salmon at the Ikea cafeteria, everyone?!?!?!? This is insane. 

If you’re into a lot of people and bright lights and thinking you’ll never make it out of somewhere alive while you cry - go for it. Otherwise my advice is stick to ANYWHERE else!!!!

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Behind a Huge Pile of Trash

Just About Every Block, New York, NY 10001

When life gives you enormous piles of trash outside your building almost all of the time, cry your eyes out behind ‘em for hours on end!!! Once you get past the putrid smell and the whole ‘accepting that you’re probably regressing in life at an alarming rate’ thing, this cry can be really enjoyable. I suggest looking down during the entire duration of this cry, as the ambiance won’t exactly help if you have anywhere to be in the next week. In the rare occurrence that there isn’t a mountain of trash outside your building: FEAR NOT! NYC has this great online tool to find the best neighborhood to trash cry in!!: http://www1.nyc.gov/apps/311utils/addressinfo.htm

Also, EXTREMELY TEAR-SENSITIVES, BEWARE!! A seemingly great cry can go bad VERY quickly if you are not aware of the NYC Sanitation’s Holiday Schedule!! There are NO garbage or recycling collections on these remaining 2014 Department holidays:

Monday October 13, 2014 Columbus Day 

Tuesday November 4, 2014 Election Day 

Tuesday November 11, 2014 Veteran’s Day

Thursday November 27, 2014 Thanksgiving Day 

Thursday December 25, 2014 Christmas Day

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In Any Elevator

New York, NY 10001

No no no no no!!! This cry is just plain DECEIVING and is very much NOT recommended!!   I cannot even begin to tell you about the millions of times I’ve entered an empty elevator and thought “WOOHOOO!! I’m alone!!!!! It’s crying time!!!!!!!!!!” - only to be joined by dozens of people 15 seconds later with my face looking like a very active tributary.  Maybe in Kansas this would be a good cry, but not - I repeat NOT - in NYC!! The elevator is absolutely going to stop at least 5 times if you’re in a 6+ story building so please don’t let the temporary privacy fool you!!!! I know, I know, it’s way way way way easier said than done, but you must trust me on this.  Keep on crying the good cries…just keep ‘em out of every and all elevators!!!!!!!!

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Standing Outside The TODAY Show

Rockefeller Center New York, NY 10111

Have you ever cried while singing Happy Birthday to an eight year old from Georgia? If the answer is ‘No!” you better get yourself to Rockefeller Center ASAP!!!!  The TODAY show is where it’s at: Live television!! Cool famous people!! Awesome gift-giving tips!! And you: blissfully crying through it all!!!!! Words cannot even describe the exhilarating experience of crying as you learn how to style your hair in humid weather all while the top of your head is on national television!!!! It’s time to dust off the ol’ bucket list and check this one off!! As long as you get to the plaza a little late so you’re a few rows of people deep(shoot for 7:45am), you’ll be in the clear to sob away through the rest of the show!! Yes, that’s right, this is what’s happening in your neck of the woods: AN AWESOME CRYING EXPERIENCE!!!!! 

In A Zipcar

New York, NY 10001

Yesterday I felt an incredibly strong cry coming on that needed a very high level of privacy ASAP or things were going to get very uncomfortable.  Luckily I found a Zipcar a few blocks away from me for only 13 dollars an hour and booked it up quick!! It was a mid-size car that had room for 4 friends and 6 suitcases, which I thought was probably a little small for the cry I was about to have, but you take what you can get!!!!!   There was no driving involved, of course, because I couldn’t have that kind of distraction with my huge cry task at hand!!! I just sat in the Zipcar parking lot weeping in the car for exactly one hour and then returned to the world so very refreshed and anew.  The rest of the world can cry in their cars 24/7 while us privacy poor can only dream of something like that. I have to say that dipping into their extreme luxury for an hour was exactly what you would expect: an absolute dream come true!!  Great for your most volatile, extreme cries that nobody should ever see!!!

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Being Surrounded By Huge Pictures of Beautiful Models With Cool Clothes, Hair, and Bodies

Fifth Avenue New York, NY 10001

NOTHING gives you the feeling of unworthiness you need to take your cry from good to great than crying down 5th avenue.  Everywhere you look you get to see a huge photoshopped pictures of people whose clothes and hair and bodies look so good it’s hard to imagine they’ve ever shed a tear!!!!!  Great for the type of cry that is going well but isn’t relaying the fact that you’re never going to measure up to anyones standards hard enough!!! Only take this stroll if you’ve got a few days on your hands to cry it out - after you’ve cried this cry it’s a long journey to recovery of being your ‘kind of okay’ usual self. This cry isn’t for everyone - be sure to cry at your own risk!!!!

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Any Hot Dog Stand

New York, NY 10001

When you’re crying in the city, it can certainly feel like the loneliest place in the whole world. Well at least I used to think this, until I discovered the magic of ordering 2 to 3 hotdogs mid-cry at a hot dog stand and now my life is forever changed. I’ve never felt more taken care of, cared for, and at quite simply home, than when I swing by one of these gems and order up. Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra sad, I’ll order 4-5 pretzels too!!!! Every single stand owner makes you feel like if you weren’t crying, THAT would be weird.  That’s the work of a true genius. As you walk away eating these treats with massive amounts of condiments spilling all over yourself you can’t help but smile-cry:  this is what crying dreams are made of.  A++++!!!!  

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Behind a Dog Walker Walking About 8 Dogs

New York, NY 10001

Yesterday I was having yet another ‘not too sad yet not too happy’ day when all of a sudden I saw a dog walker walking about 8 dogs!!!!!!! I quickly turned and walked behind them for about 15 blocks crying tears of sheer joy over their cuteness and happiness and oh they were just everything!!!!!!! Then I instantly got really really really sad that they all weren’t my pets so I then sobbed in complete despair for about 10 more blocks before I finally got a hold of myself and said goodbye. If you’re lucky to run into something like this get ready for the cry of your life!!!!! The highs are high and the lows are so very low but I will say that I’m a better person and crier today than I was yesterday and those are honestly the only two things that matter in this life. My advice? Follow your heart (and ANY dog you see) - the perfect turbulent cry is always waiting for you there!!!!!